Girl Trouble Transcript (Novelization)
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[TEASER]
Zared: “No one-- double-crosses me! Throw him in the hold!”
Man: “No! Please! Please, sir! No! No! Please! I beg you! Please! Ahhhhh!”
Zared: “Looks like our cargo won’t be needin’ dinner tonight!” [Laughs]
Ja: “Uh-- uck, what is it?”
H: “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Ja: “That’s it. I’m not eatin’. I’m going on a hunger strike.”
I: “You gonna eat that? Hmm-- you know? You picked a really bad time to go on a hunger strike with the harvest festival coming up.”
Ja: “All you can eat? All weekend long? No, thank you.”
H: “Don’t worry about it, Jason. Cheiron promised us a new cook, remember? That’s right.”
Ja: “There she is.”
I’s Voice: “A girl in the academy?”
I: “A babe-- who can cook.”
Ja: “Aw-- I’ve died and gone to the Elysian Fields.”
I: “No. No, wait! No! I saw her first!”
Ja: “You were busy stuffin’ your face!”
I: “Huh? I’ll show you how to stuff your face! Come on!”
H: “Guys, guys, guys, guys. Listen, are we really gonna fight over a beautiful woman, huh?”
Ja and I: “Yes!”
H: “A-a-all right then, gentlemen-- and I use the term _so_ very loosely-- there’s only one way to settle this.”
I: “OK. Through the arch; off the ladder; over the roof; off the well; off the wall; down the steps; nothing but pigpen.”
Ja: “It’ll never happen-- but good luck.”
Cook: “Whoa! [Yells] Oh!”
H: “Uh, guys, he’s out cold. Somebody get some water, all right?”
Ja: “Nice work, Iolaus.”
I: “Hey, it wasn’t my fault. that guy stepped right into it.”
H: “Listen, you gonna be OK, buddy? You all right?”
Cook: “Yeah.”
H: “Yeah?”
I: “Hey, never mind that. Just get him on his feet before Cheiron sees us. I mean, the last thing we want is old ‘Mr. Pearls of wisdom’. ‘Look-- you boys look silly with that ball-- ’ He’s behind me, isn’t he? Hey.”
Cheiron: “You all right, Arcus?”
Arcus: “Yeah. Sure-- no problem.”
Cheiron: “Looks like I’ve lost a messenger-- which means-- you boys are going to Athens.”
I: “Athens? What’s in Athens?”
Cheiron: “Find us a new cook.”
H: “Uh, a c-- uh, oh-- well, we thought that, you know, a, ah-- well, if Arcus was gonna go find the cook, then, uh-- who’s she?”
Lilith [Lil]: “I’m Lilith.”
Cheiron: “Gentlemen-- meet our newest cadet.”
I: “Ha-ha! What?! Aw-- come on, she’s-- she’s-- ”
Lil: “What?”
I: “She’s-- gonna be just fine.”
Lil: “So-- you cadets always use messengers for target practice?”
I: “You know? There’s no need for us all to miss the harvest festival. Later. Hey, uh-- no, I was-- I was-- let’s go.”
[ACT I]
H’s Voice: “We are missing the entire harvest festival ‘cause we’re stuck lookin’ for a cook.”
I’s Voice: “What?! Like this is all my fault.”
Ja’s Voice: “You knocked out the messenger.”
I’s Voice: “Not on purpose.”
Ja: “There’s gotta be a decent cook closer than Athens.”
I: “Yeah. Hey, Herc-- Zeus must know some pretty decent cooks. Why don’t you just get him to zap one down here?”
Ja: “Aye!”
H: “I don’t even talk to my father, never mind ask him for favors.”
Ja: “It’s gonna take a week to walk to Athens and back.”
I: “Yeah, well, the shooting contest wasn’t my idea.”
H: “Hey-- what was I supposed to do, huh? You two were about to deck each other over our new classmate.”
Ja: “How could we know she was a cadet?”
I: “Yeah-- she didn’t look like a cadet.”
Ja: “Whoever heard of a girl cadet?”
I: “Yeah, exactly. Girls are supposed to be-- sweet and gentle.”
Ja: “Why is that? Is that all you can handle?”
H: “That’s assuming he can even get a date.” [They laugh.]
I: “Hey, I got an idea.”
H: “Huh? Oh, not again.”
I: “Look-- let’s hire a boat. We’ll gget to Athens in no time. And-- it’ll give us a chance to, uh-- check out the sights-- if you catch my drift.”
H: “We can’t afford a boat.”
I: “Who needs money? I’ll just turn on the old Iolaus charm.”
H: “The old Iolaus charm, huh?”
I: “What? We’re on a boat. We’re headed towards Athens-- aren’t we?”
Ja: “By the time we get there, we’re gonna be too tired to do anything.”
I: “Eh.”
Ja: “How you doin’?”
I: “Good.”
H: “You thirsty?”
I: “What?”
H: “Huh?”
Zared: “That’s enough!”
Ja: “Who died and made you captain?”
Zared: “The name’s Zared-- if you want to stay on board my boat-- you’ll do your work-- stay out of my way. And never-- get near my cargo.”
H: “Whatever.”
I: “Friendly guy.”
Ja: “What a freak.”
Ja: “Hey! Hey!”
I: “What? Oh, right-- yeah, yeah, yeah.”
H: “Iolaus, what’s your problem?”
I: “I’ve been thinking. I wanna know what’s in that cargo hold. Whoa, whoa, whoa-- look. Whoa. Whoa.”
H: “Listen, I know what you’re thinkin’, Iolaus, OK? Just forget it.”
I: “Aw, come on, Herc. Aren’t you just a little bit curious to find out what’s in there?”
Ja: “Sure he is. So am I. But you heard Zared. Keep your nose out of there.”
H: “Jason’s right, all right? Rules are rules. Iolaus.”
I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rules are rules.”
H: “Iolaus. Iolaus! Jason. He’s going for the cargo. Iolaus!”
Zared: “Thieves! Stop them!”
I: “Whoa!”
H: “Iolaus!”
[Fight]
H: “Get the barrel. I’ll get the swords.”
Ja: “We have to get Iolaus.”
Ja and H: [Yell]
H: “Amazons.”
[ACT II]
Ja: “What have you Amazons done with Iolaus?”
I: “Ah, not enough, if you ask me.”
H: “Iolaus! You OK?
I: “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”
Ja: “I thought they were supposed to be man-haters.”
H: “Yeah.”
I: “Yeah, well, they don’t hurt good-_looking_ men.”
Cyane: “We don’t hurt boys, or he’d be in chains already. My name’s Cyane, leader of the Telaquire Amazon nation.”
H: “Oh-- I’m Hercules.”
Ja: “Um-- Jason.”
I: “Um-- Iolaus. We, uh-- we-we me.”
H: “Hey, you’re the cargo Zared plans to take to Athens. People should not be cargo.”
Cyane: “My sisters and I plan to take over this ship. You’ll either help us or go down with the rest.”
H [Chuckles]: “Well-- kind of sounds like an order to me.”
Cyane: “It is. I’m in charge here.”
H: “Oh-- well-- with all due respect, with those chains around your ankles, you’re not much match for Zared’s men. You’re gonna need our help.”
Cyane: “OK. So you can join us. But if we find that you’ve deceived us-- I’ll feed you to the sharks.”
I: “Oh, gee, that’s fair.”
Ja: “We gotta find a way to get those chains off.”
H: “Yeah-- if only we had the key.”
I: “Mmm.”
H: “Wait a second.”
I: “Whoa. Hey. Whoa! Come on!”
Ja: “No, no, no-- relax.”
I: “Come on! That tickles!”
H: “Ah.”
I: “Oh, right-- that’s what you wanted.”
H: “We’ll unlock the Amazons, and we’ll attack in the morning.”
I: “Morning, huh?”
H: “Yeah.”
I: “Well, it looks like someone’s got a busy night ahead. Hi, I’m Iolaus.”
H: “Three, two, one.”
I: “Ooh! Feisty! I can work with that.”
Man’s Voice: “Lights out! All lights out! Lights out!”
Cyane: “I don’t bite.”
H: “I know. I just wanted, uh-- to let you go first.”
Cyane: “You’ve never seen an Amazon, before, huh?”
H: “Well-- no, but I’ve heard things.”
Cyane: “That we’re thieves and-- murderers, and baby-snatchers. We hate all men and corrupt all women, right?”
H: “Uh-huh. Is it true?”
Cyane: “No. Thousands of years ago, all the men in our village were wiped out in a single battle. From then on, our ancestors knew that our women needed to be strong. So, as for men, we just-- learned to live without them.”
H: “What about your male children?”
Cyane: “Oh, they’re returned to their fathers. The girls stay here with us and are raised as Amazons-- although, I only speak for the Telaquire Amazons-- my tribe.”
H: “There’s more of you?”
Cyane: “Yeah-- twelve in all. We were separated during the great war with the Centaurs. And one day we do hope to reunite.”
H: “I’ve heard Centaurs talk about that war.”
Cyane: “You have Centaur friends.”
H: “Well, yeah.”
Cyane: “Well, that explains your hatred of the Amazons, then.”
H: “Whoa-- no, no. See, uh-- I don’t hate anybody.”
H: “So-- you haven’t told me how Zared captured you.”
Cyane: “He didn’t. We were tricked by a god.”
H: “Which god?”
Cyane: “The cruelest of them all-- Zeus.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Cyane: “Zeus told us to leave our land-- and when we refused, he took us by force, turning us over to Zared.”
H: “Wait. That’s impossible.”
Cyane: “That’s the truth.”
H: “Zeus doesn’t harm innocent people.”
Cyane: “You’re naive, Hercules. Look, I used to think that-- the gods of Olympus were fair and just. Now, I know that they do things out of hatred and spite. I’m sorry. These have been-- difficult days.”
H: “It’s OK. I know a little bit about how hard the gods can be.”
Men’s Voices: “Sound the morning call!” “Get to work!”
Man’s Voice: “Land ho!”
Cyane: “All right-- let’s break through the hatch door.”
H: “Whoa-- listen to me. Now, you do that, and you’ll have all of Zared’s men out there wating for you.”
Cyane: “Oh, you got a better idea?”
H: “I think so. We’re gonna need the help of someone sneaky-- someone underhanded-- somebody conniving.”
I: “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
I’s Voice: “Oh! Oh! We’ve sprung a leak! Oh, help us! Help us! We’re taking on water!”
Sailor: “Well, go help!”
I’s Voice: “We’re all gonna drown! We’re all gonna die!”
Sailor: “Gotta do something! Quick! Open the hold!”
I’s Voice: “Hold me! Oh, no! Help us! We’re sinking! Oh! Oh! It’s-- oh! Oh. Uh-oh.”
[Fight]
H: “OK. Any time, ladies-- anytime!”
H’s Voice: “Iolaus! Duck!”
Man’s Voice: “Behind you!”
H’s Voice [?]: “Coming through!”
Zared: “Fools! Get them! Use your bows!”
H: “Cyane! Yes!”
Zared: “If I stop the leader-- I win the war. Goodbye, Amazon Queen.”
Cyane: “Nice catch.”
H: “It was OK.”
Cyane: “Not bad-- for a boy.”
All: [Cheer]
Amazon’s Voice: “We did it!”
H: “So-- where do you think Zared and his men are now?”
Cyane: “Well-- if this wind holds, they should be in Carthage-- where slave-trading is illegal-- I might add.”
I: “Hey, uh-- Cyane. We’re headed towards Athens. Uh-- you care to join us?”
Cyane: “Nah-- thanks, Iolaus-- but, we better be on our way.”
I: “Oh.”
Cyane: “Uh-- look, I just-- I wanna apologize-- for-- doubting you and your friends.”
H: “Uh, no-- uh-- I need to apologize to you. You know, I was, uh-- I was wrong about the Amazons, and I was wrong about you, and-- I hope your new homeland is everything you dream of.”
Cyane: “Oh, thank you, Hercules, for-- helping us win our freedom back.”
I: “Hey, Herc. Whoa! Whoa. Sorry. Anyway, uh-- Cyane-- maybe when you gals, uh, you know-- find your new home, you might wanna look us up.”
Ja: “They’re Amazons, Iolaus. They don’t look men up. They conquer them. Right?”
H: “Well-- I thought you liked your women sweet and gentle, Iolaus.”
I: “Well, you know-- Cheiron said ya-- gotta keep your options open.”
H: “Yeah-- sounds good to me. Well-- we got a new cook to find, right?”
Ja’s Voice: “Yep.”
H: “Yeah.”
I: “Hey, you don’t suppose one of the Amazons might like the job.”
H: “Somehow, Iolaus, I don’t think they’re the cooking kind-- you know?”
I: “Hey, you think maybe the Amazons need a cook?”
H [?]: “You can’t cook.”
I: “They don’t know that.”
