Ares on Trial Transcript (Novelization)
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[TEASER]
Ja: [Whistles]
H: “Hey, sh! You’ll scare the fishes, all right?”
I: “Hey, uh-- what did you put for number 12?”
Ja: “Pandora’s Box.”
I: “Pandora’s Box?”
Ja: “Yeah.”
I: “What did _you_ put?”
H: “Pandora’s Box-- why? What’d you put?”
I: “Uh-- I just put-- ” [Coughs]
H: “What was that? What’d you put?”
Ja: “What did you say?”
I: “I said I put, ‘False’?”
H [Laughs]: “It wasn’t a ‘True or False’ question.”
I: “Oh, come on. The instructions were confusing.”
H: “Oh.”
Ja: “You gotta crack a scroll every now and then if you wanna graduate, my friend.”
I: “Oh, thank you Jason, Mr. ‘God of Homework’.”
H: “Listen-- next time, we’ll study together, all right?”
Ja: “Hmmmmm.”
I: “Whatever.”
Ares: “I’m afraid there’s not gonna be a next time for you, little brother.”
I: “Ares.”
Ares: “Guys-- can we have a little privacy?”
H: “You leave them out of this!”
Ares: “What makes you think you can come-- defile _my_ temple-- and get away with it?! My priest _saw_ you!”
H: “Whoa-- uh-- what?”
Ares: “Wha-wha-what?! You _know_ what I’m talkin’ about!”
[Fight]
H: “No-- actually-- I _don’t_ know what you’re talkin’ about. Oh-- oh-- what you gonna do now?!”
Ares: [Laughs]
H [Laughs]: “It was, uh-- whoa! Yah!” [Coughs]
I: “Hercules!”
Ja: “Let’s get him!”
Ares: “Now, I guess we find out if blood really is thicker than water.”
[ACT I]
Ares: “I letcha live too long. You’ve gotten cocky.”
H: “Wow, you need help! Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”
Ares: “I don’t like you.”
H: [Yells]
Ares: Hey-- ”
H: “Listen-- I’ve never even _been_ to your temple, all right?”
Ares: “Liar! Ow! Ow! [Laughs] Whoo! Whoo-hoo! You know?! I never really _cared_ for large families! Good night, Johnboy!”
H: [Yells]
Ares: “You’re too slow, little brother! You really are at that awkward age-- and I’m afraid you’re _never_ gonna grow out of it!” [Laughs]
Ja: “The boat!”
H: “Hercules? Wait, wait, wait! I can’t swim!”
Ja: “What?!”
I: “Remember last time you threw me in?! I ca-I can’t swim!”
Ja: “All right-- just be ready to help when I pull him out. Hercules!”
I: “Come on, Jason.”
Ja: “I can’t see him! It’s too deep!
I: “Keep looking for him, Jason!”
Ja: “Hercules! Hercules!”
H: “Huh? Huh? Wha? Huh? Am I dead? No. OK. Olympus-- how’d I get here? Apollo. Athena? Hephaestus? Hey. ”
Hephaestus [Heph] [Laughs]: “Yo, Bro!” [Laughs]
Ares: “Brothers-- Sister-- to what do I owe the honor-- of being invited here, today?”
Athena [Ath]: “You stand accused of the attempted murder-- in full defiance of Zeus’ protective order-- of your brother-- Hercules.”
Ares: “_Half_-brother-- if you don’t mind.”
Apollo: “Whatever-- the point is, you tried to kill him.”
Ares: “If I _tried_ to kill him-- he’d be dead right now.”
Ath: “I suggest you take these charges a little more seriously. If this tribunal finds you guilty-- you’ll spend an eternity of unimaginable torment-- ”
H [Whispers]: “Stop it!”
Ath: “-- in the fiery depths of Tartarus-- that is reserved for fallen gods.”
H [Laughs]: “Well.”
Ares: “Sister, I’m sure you would love _any_ excuse to put me away for an eternity. But don’t you think Zeus has gone a bit far this time, protecting his little boy? I mean, prosecuting the god of war for attacking somebody-- it’s what I do.”
Apollo: “Oh, so let me get this straight. When you maim, kill, and pillage-- on, it’s strictly business, right?”
Ares: “I love my job. So, sue me.”
Ath: “I grant you your role in the universe, Ares-- but even you can go too far-- and this time-- you did.”
Ares: “Excuse me-- did I miss something here? Or have we forgotten some-- tiny detail like-- oh, I don’t know-- a trial?”
Ath: [Clears throat]
Heph: “Oh-- right, yeah-- sorry. [Clears throat] Um-- uh-- right. Uh-- ‘As an O-- ’ what’s that? Oh, ‘Olympian god-- you will receive a fair herring [sic], and-- in accordance with the law, you are allowed to choose your own-- d-- ’ whats-- ? Oh, ‘-- defender.’” [Laughs]
Ath: “Counsel for the defense-- please rise. I said, ‘Rise!’”
H: “Me?”
I: “Cowards! Come on and fight me! You call yourself gods! You sneak up-- and attack people without warning! You’re not gods! You’re just a bunch of stinkin’ cowards!”
Ja: “Iolaus.”
I: “Leave me alone, Jas.”
Ja: “Hey, it’s not your fault. It’s not our fault. Ares-- is a god. There’s nothin’ we coulda done.”
I: “All I know is my friend needed me-- and I was no help. And now he’s gone.”
Apollo: “Hello-- we’re waiting.”
Ares: “May I have a word with my counsel?”
Ath: “Please do.”
H: “Hi. Hi. Huh? Huh?”
Ares: “You’re not starting off too well, little brother.”
H: “Let me get this straight, OK? You chose me to represent you on charges ’a you-- tryin’ to kill me.”
Ares: “The irony of it appealed to me. Besides, you’re such a goody-good-- I know you’re gonna do your best.”
H: “I got a question. Am I allowed to refuse to serve as Ares’s defender?”
Heph: “Oh, uh-- right, uh [Clears throat]-- OK, uh-- ah-- ‘If-- s-- s-- s-- ’ oh, ‘-- selected-- as a defender by an accused god in a godly tri-- tri-- ’ oh, ‘-- tribunal-- ’ uh, ‘-- the chosen one must serve or else share the sentence, if the accused is found g-- g-- gwilty [sic].’”
H [Sighs]: “Well-- I accept, then.”
Apollo: “Good choice.”
H: “This is ridiculous-- OK? I-- I know you’re guilty. I was there.”
Ares: “Well, I wasn’t.”
H: “What are you talkin’ about?”
Ares: “I didn’t-- I did not try to kill you, OK? I mean, I’d love to, right here, right now-- but I’m no fool. You’re under Zeus’s protection-- and I do not intend to spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus, being gnawed on by some idiotic monster. You got that, Mister?”
H: “I got it.”
Ath: “Counsel for the defense-- how do you plead?”
H: “Not guilty.”
[ACT II]
H: “Uh-- so-- y-you weren’t there. OK, but-- you’re gonna need an alibi, and you’re gonna need a witness to back it up.”
Ares: “Strife and Discord-- I was with them, today. It’s perfect.”
H: “Ooh, I-I-- I don’t know. A-are you sure you can trust ‘em?”
Ares: “It’s not a matter of trust-- they’re scared of me.”
H: “Uh-- ”
Ares: “Just do it-- Counselor.”
H: “OK. I call Discord.”
Dis: “Hmm.”
Strife: “Meow.”
H: “Hi. [Chuckles] Oh, um-- where were you on the day in question?”
Dis: “You mean, today.”
H: “Yes, today.”
Dis: “I was with Ares-- at his place.”
H: “Oh-- all day?”
Dis: “Pretty much.”
H: “OK. And, uh-uh, at any point in your day, did you hear Ares, you know, sort of talk about-- trying to-- kill me?”
Dis: “Sure-- he talks about it constantly. It’s his favorite topic. Well, you _know_ it’s true!”
Ares: “Eh.”
H: “Oh-- so, what you’re tryin’ to say is that it’s-it’s not unusual to, um-- to, uh-- hear Ares-- talk about-- tryin’ to kill me?”
Dis: “Not at all-- of course-- today _was_ a little different.”
H: “Really. Wh-why is that?”
Dis: “Because today-- he actually _did_ try to kill you.”
Ares: “She’s lying!”
Ath: “Ares-- calm down!”
Cheiron: “Iolaus-- where you going?”
I: “I don’t know. I can’t stay here.”
Cheiron: “Don’t you think Hercules would want you to stay?”
I: “Every day would be a reminder I lost a friend.”
Cheiron: “You know? It’s said-- that, uh-- a friend is never really lost-- if you remain true to the dreams you shared.”
Ath: “Quiet in the court!”
H: “Let me get this straight-- you’re saying that, um-- you were actually a witness to Ares trying to kill me.”
Dis: “Yes-- I was.”
H: “How come I didn’t see you there?”
Dis: “Well, I wasn’t _there_ there-- but I was watching, you know? The way _real_ gods can do?”
H: “Well, uh-- would you do me a favor? Just explain how Ares tried to kill me. You know? I mean-- what’d he do? Come on.”
Dis: “Well first, he hit you. Then he smashed up your little boat-- did a real number on your friends. And you put up a pretty good fight.”
H: “You know, uh? You two really shoulda got your stories straight. That’s all I’m saying.”
Ares: “Shh. She’s lying-- don’t listen to her.”
Dis: “Hmmmm.”
H: “Just one more question-- so-- if Ares is found guilty and he’s sent to Tartarus, then-- who do you work for? Who? Um-- Strife?”
Dis: “Excuse me?”
H: “Well-- I mean-- that’s the way it works, isn’t it? I mean, Strife’s the next in line. I mean, Ares goes out and, Strife comes in, and he’s the god of war, right?”
Dis: “That little twerp?! God of war?!”
H: “Oh-- well, uh-- I mean-- who else would it be? I-it’s-- Ooh!”
Dis: “We’re not talking god here, pal. We’re talking _goddess_. Got it?!”
H: “Yeah-- no further questions. Chk-chk.”
Dis: “Hmm.”
Ares: “Riiiiiight-- so, you think-- ”
H: “Hey, sh. I’m thinkin’ here, all right?”
H’s Voice: “All right. The defense calls Strife.”
Ares: “Don’t betray me.”
H: “Strife-- ”
Strife: “That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” [Laughs]
H: “Were you with Ares, today?”
Strife: “Yep!”
H: “Did you witness the attack on me?”
Heph: “Cuckoo.”
Strife: “You could put it that way. Hmm. Ooh, Athena.”
H: “Was it Ares who attacked me?”
Strife: “Well, it sure looked like him.”
Ares: “You backstabbing, sniveling worm!”
Ath: “Ares-- calm down! I’ll _not_ warn you again!”
H: “Let me ask you a question. Um-- was there sum’in’-- different about Ares today? You know, I mean-- the way he attacked me?”
Strife: “Different? Well, what do you mean?”
H: “I don know. Like he wasn’t himself. You know, he kind of had like, a-- slow reaction time? He was a little clumsy? A little confused? A little-- weak? Did you get that impression?”
Strife: “Nah-- he looked good to me. [Laughs] He’s the champ.”
H: “I don’t know. I got the drop on him like two or three times. There was this one time-- I really flattened him. I swear-- I saw him cry. [Gods laugh] Come on, Strife. You wanna know what I think? I’m not convinced that Ares even shattered that boat-- hmm? I think that the wood was rotten-- the big old crybaby just walked in there, tripped over his own feet, and I think-- !”
Strife: “No way! I laid you out! I brought you down! And I-- ! Don’t look at me! [Crying] Sh-she made me do it!”
H: “I rest my case.”
Heph: “Do you want me to, uh-- forge some more chains?”
Ath: “Two sets.”
Heph: “OK.”
Strife [Crying]: “I’m sorry.”
Ath: “Ares-- it is the decision of this tribunal-- that all charges against you be dropped.”
Ares: “Yes!”
Ath: “Strife and Discord-- for conspiring to murder a protected mortal-- and for impersonating a god-- we sentence you to eternity in the depths of Tartarus.”
Strife: “Oh, Man”
Ares: “May I-- ask a favor of the court?”
Ath: “Hmm?”
Ares: “Turn ‘em over to me.”
Dis: “That’s OK-- really.”
Strife: “Tartarus is, uh-- fine.”
Ath: “Very well. Court is now adjourned.”
Apollo: “Bye-bye, guys. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- let’s go catch some rays.”
Ares: “Ha-ha! You realize, this changes nothing-- between us.”
H: “Yeah? You’re welcome.”
Ja: “I hear you’re staying with us.”
I: “Yeah-- I just think it’s what Hercules would have wanted, you know?”
Ja: “Could be. Why don’t you ask him, yourself?”
I: “Hercules? Herc?! Uh-- ”
H: “Uh-- hey. Well-- I guess I was gone longer than I thought, huh?”
I: “Where have you been?”
H: “Oh, well-- kind of hard to explain, really.”
I: “Oh. OK. Well-- just don’t go vanishing on us again, OK?”
H: “Yeah, all right-- I’ll try not to.”
Ja: “Welcome back, Hercules.”
H: “Thanks, Jason. Yeah.”
I: “Uh-- ”
H: “Yeah.”
I: “Um--”
H: “Uh-- all right. You weren’t-- worried-- about me, right?”
I: “I knew you were comin’ back.”
