Cyrano de Hercules Transcript (Novelization)
| « Back to "1.10 Cyrano de Hercules" |
[TEASER]
H: “Look, I-I, don’t, uh-- ”
I: “Uh-uh. Come on. Come on.”
H: “Guys, listen, I don’t know about this, all right?”
Ja: “Come on, Hercules. It’s not gonna hurt.”
H: “Well, I’ve never been on a blind date, before, all right?”
Ja: “There’s three of them, and two of us. We _need_ you.”
I: “Yeah-- do the math.”
H: “Whoa!”
I: “Not that the situation didn’t have potential.”
Ja: “Hey, ladies. This is Hercules. This is Penelope.”
H: “Oh-- hi.”
Penelope [Pen]: “Hello.”
Ja: “Sabrina.”
H: “Hi.”
Ja: “And Tara-- your date.”
H: “Uh-- hi. So, uh-- nice to meet you.”
Tara: “Is it?”
Hephaestus [Heph]: “Hey-ey-ey! Fellas! What a nice surprise!”
I: “Not the words I would have used.”
H: “Uh-- ha-ha-- e-everybody-- this is Hephaestus.”
Heph: “Hi.”
Kora: “Well-- looks like some local boys finally got a date.”
Ja: “Ha-- that’s pretty funny. Huh-- well, ladies-- I think that, mh-- it would-- ”
I: “So, uh-- how long have you been-- ?”
Heph [Interrupting]: “Ah! Bread!”
I: “Hercules. Herc!”
H: “One second.”
I [Whispers]: “You gonna do something about this?”
Heph: “Wanna see a neat trick? OK.”
H [Whispers]: “Why me?”
I [Whispers]: “’Cause-- he’s your brother.”
Ja’s [?] Voice: “Ah, it’s-- really neat.”
H: “That’s good.”
Pen: “It’s-- getting a little late, isn’t it?”
Ja: “Huh? No. Wha?”
H: “Uh-- hey, Hephaestus-- can I talk to you for a second?”
Heph: “Yeah.”
H: “OK, uh-- I’m just gonna-- . Uh-- hi.”
Heph: “Hi.”
H: “How you doin’?”
Heph: “Good, good.”
H: “Good-- nice to see ya.”
Heph: “Yeah.”
H: “Uh, listen-- me and the guys-- it’s funny, actually-- we had some plans for tonight?”
Heph: “Oh, that’s great! What’re we gonna do?!”
H: “Uh, uh-- hey! Hey, guys-- listen. I was just about to tell Hephaestus, here, how much fun he might have if he had a date of his own-- huh?”
Heph: “You’d do that? For me?”
I: “Uh, we’d do _what_, exactly?”
Heph: “Well, ya’d help me find a date! Aw-- what wonderful friends you are! Oh, that’s great.”
Ja: “Hold that thought, here.”
Pen: “Jason-- ”
Ja: “Sum’in’s come up. Uh-- ”
Pen: “Jason-- ”
Ja: “Uh, I’ll just be one minute, OK?”
Pen: “Jason.”
I: “OK, OK-- make us proud.”
Heph: “OK.”
I: “Go.”
H [Whispers]: “Come here. Come here, come here-- there’s something on your face.”
Heph: “Hey-- what do I say first?”
H: “Oh.”
Ja: “I, uh-- oh-- ‘Hello.’”
Heph: “‘Hello.’”
H: “‘Hello.’”
I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- and then tell her, uh-- she has pretty eyes-- even if she doesn’t. Go.”
Heph: “Hello.”
Ja: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”
I [Whispers]: “The eyes.”
Heph [Whispers]: “Oh, her eyes.”
Heph: “You have, uh-- very beautiful eyes. Ooh!”
Ja: “Sorry, you’re not his type.”
Heph: “No-- no.”
I: “But, uh-- you do have pretty eyes.”
Heph: “Oh, yeah-- they’re great. Hey-- yeah.”
Ja: “Where’d they go?”
Kora: “They’re gone.”
Ja: “What?!”
I: “Jas-- they’ve gone.”
Ja: “Why did they go?”
Kora: “Gee, they probably didn’t wanna sit alone all night.”
I: “We can catch ‘em.”
H: “Listen, Hephaestus, don’t sweat it, all right? I mean-- we mean well, but-- the truth is-- we have no idea what we’re talkin’ about. Listen-- if I know one thing about women, and that’s it-- you can’t make ‘em like you-- all right.”
Heph: “No-- but I can _make_ a girl.”
Kora: “Oh, yeah-- sure.”
H: “Are you serious?”
Heph: “Yeah.”
H: “Oh-- uh-- OK. I mean, I-I guess. I mean-- he is the god of making stuff, but-- ”
Heph: “Hey-- and you can help me! It’s-- it’s brilliant!”
H: “Oh, it is!”
[ACT I]
H: “Hephaestus-- making a woman sounds like an incredibly bad idea.”
Heph: “But I can do it!”
H: “It’s not a question ’a ‘Can do it’; it’s a question ’a ‘Should do it’. And trust me-- you shouldn’t do it-- it’s wrong. A person’s too-- you know, unique-- they’re too-- complicated-- [Sighs] uh, especially, a female person.”
Heph: “But, why?”
H [Sighs]: “I don’t know. Um-- they’ve just always seemed more complicated to me.”
Heph: “Look-- I want to know. I mean-- what is it in a woman?”
H: “Aw-- Hephaestus-- I don’t know.”
Heph: “I want to understand. I’ve lived most of my life alone. I haven’t experienced the world like you. So-- tell me. I mean-- what-- is it about a woman that-- makes her what she is?”
H: “It’s-- it’s everything. It’s anything. It’s-- ”
Heph: “_W-w-what_ things?!”
H: “OK, um-- chk-chk-- a woman is smart.”
Heph: “Sm-- ”
H: “And-and she _knows_ herself. Well-- she’s got a very strong will.”
Heph: “Strong-- like bronze.”
H: “Sure, and, uh-- you know, and-- her senses are amazing, OK? She can see and hear things that men can’t and, uh-- well, their hearts are pure.”
Heph: “Pure-- you mean, like gold.”
H: “Well-- sure, um-- and she’s caring, and she’s generous, and-- she’s full ’a love and affection, and-- ”
Heph: “Love?”
Heph: “Ah! Ah! OK. Oh-ho-ho. It’s done.”
H’s Voice: “Hephaestus!”
Heph’s Voice: “Galatea.”
Heph: “I’ll call her ‘Galatea’.”
H: “No-- no, no, no, no, no, no! Hephaestus-- tell me you didn’t.”
Heph: “Whaddya think?”
H: “Well-- I mean-- it’s beautiful-- ”
Heph [Interrupting]: “Ahhh! Chhhhh! Not ‘It’-- ‘She’.”
H: “‘She’?”
Heph: “OK. All right. It’ll take a minute. I’ve got something for her. OK.”
H: “Uh, Hephaestus, I j-- ”
Heph: “Yeah.”
Heph: “Something special. I have to get her something special. A songbird-- well, maybe she’d like that. It sounds so pretty. No-- wait. Even better! Butterflies!”
H: “Amazing. Hephaestus. Hephaestus. You-- uh, Hephaestus! Hephaestus! Um-- she’s-- her-- ”
Galatea [Gal]: “Hello.”
H: “Y-- uh, you can talk? Oh-oh. And-and-- y-you can move?”
Gal: “What’s your name?”
H: “Uh-- I’m Hercules.”
Gal: “I am-- I’m-- ”
H: “Uh-- you-- Galatea. OK?”
Heph: “I’ll make her a cage-- out of reeds. Yeah! And I’ll fill it with butterflies. Wow, it’ll be beautiful! Just like her. Who am I kidding? It’ll take a lot more than butterflies and birds to get Galatea to like me-- a lot more.”
H: “Uh, what’re-what’re you doin’?”
Gal: “Don’t be afraid of me. I’m full of love and affection.”
H: “Well-- that may be, but-- y-you see, I-I think that you have me confused for someone else.”
Hep: “Hercules would know what to do-- he always does. It always seems so easy to him. If I was Hercules, I’d-- I’d-- I’d bring her some _flowers_! Yeah! That’s it! Flowers! OK. All right.”
Heph: “Hey, Hercules! Do you think she’ll like flowers?”
Gal: “Flowers?”
Heph [Sighs]: “It’s happened.”
H: “Yeah-- uh-- this is Hephaestus. He’s, uh- the guy that made ya.”
Gal: “Hello.”
Heph: “Hi.”
Gal: “Hercules?”
H: “Yeah?”
Gal: “Is he your friend?”
H: “Hephaestus? Oh-- Hephaestus my friend? Yeah-- Heph is the best! Oh, sorry. Yeah, listen, you know what I think? I think that you two kids should go away-- somewhere romantic-- somewhere fun-- huh? Somewhere very far-- oh, so far-- away from here.”
Heph [Aside to H]: “Uh-- I still don’t know what to say. Can you come with me?”
H: “No.”
Heph: “What about the guys? Maybe they’ll help.”
H: “Well-- they couldn’t make it any worse.”
Heph: “So-- you think she’ll like it? It’s got the best views around here.”
H: “Yeah. Whoa! If we survive the trip.”
Gal: “Thank you for bringing me here.”
H: “Oh, Galatea, would you-- ?! Hey-- how about Hephaestus, huh? OK, maybe-- on the outside, a little bit-- a little bit rough, OK? But on the inside? [Whistles] There’s a great guy, huh?”
I: “Am I missing something, here?”
Ja: “When you figure it out, tell me.”
Heph [Whispers]: “OK, all right. Food, yeah. Uh-- I got cheese, bread-- hi.”
H: “Oh [Chuckles]-- ah-- look at that! Goat cheese so fresh, there’s fur on it! Ha-ha-ha. Hephaestus is amazing, isn’t he? Oh, um-- you know, that Hephaestus is gonna make some girl very, very happy some day.”
Ja: “That’s Hephaestus’ date-- you gotta back off.”
H: “Look-- I’m not doing it-- she is.”
Ja: “Well, you better do something, soon, or he’s gonna notice.”
H: “Galatea?”
Gal: “Yes?”
H: “We have to talk, OK?”
I: “Is that goat cheese?”
H [Sighs]: “Galatea-- ya have to lay off.”
Gal: “I can’t do that.”
H: “Why can’t you do that?”
Gal: “Because I don’t want to-- and I have a _very_ strong will.”
H: “You got a strong will? And your senses are keen? And your heart is pure? And-- it’s all because of me.”
Gal: “It’s like-- you can see inside me.”
H: “Galatea-- stop. Listen.”
Heph: “Hercules!”
H: “Hephaestus-- I can explain-- all right?”
Heph: [Yells]
[ACT II]
H: “Heph-- just listen to me.”
Heph: “I don’t wanna hear your lies!”
H: “I’m not gonna fight you, all right? We’re brothers.”
Heph: “I don’t care.”
Ja: “That’s enough!”
Heph: “Is this what you want, Hercules? I’ll give you the woman you _deserve_. Come with me!”
Gal: “Hercules!”
Heph: “Get out of the way!”
I: “Man, I’ve never seen Heph angry, before. I don’t wanna see it, again.”
Ja: “Be careful, Hercules. He may be a nice guy, but he’s still a god.”
Heph: “If Hercules wants you-- well, he can _have_ you! Your heart burns with passion for him. May your heart be cold as Olympian ice.”
H: “He’s just so lonely, that he did something really wrong, you know?”
I: “Poor guy-- he can’t even _build_ a girl to like him. Hmm.”
Ja: “Why was she going after you?”
H: “Mmm-- how should I know? Uh-- Galatea-- listen-- I know how you feel about-- whoa!”
[Fight]
Heph: “Wait a minute!”
H: “What are you tryin’ to do?”
Gal: “I’m tryin’ to_hurt_ you!”
Heph: “I wanted her to _reject_ Hercules, not attack him!”
I: “Whoa-- their first argument’s a doozie.”
Ja: “She’s serious.”
H: [Moans]
Heph: “Oh, this is terrible. I’ve _got_ to help them!”
Ja: “Let me, uh-- . Hey-- how you doin’? I was just-- whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ah! Ah! Ah!”
Heph: “She’s trying to hurt you-- and them.”
I: “Uh-- uh-- hi. Whoa! Ja-sonnnnnnnn!”
H: “I’ll get her. You help the guys.”
Heph: “OK.”
Ja: “You’ve put on a little weight, Iolaus!”
I: “Tell me about it.”
H: “Yeah-- I gotta get a new approach. Jason! Just hold on, guys! Look, I don’t understand. I thought you liked me.”
Gal: “My heart is closed to you.”
Heph: “Quick-- give me your hand.”
Gal: “What are you doing?!”
H: “I’m trying to save you!”
Heph: “I wanted her to forget him-- not destroy him.”
Ja: “Hephaestus!”
I: “Can you give us a hand, here?!”
Gal: “If you do not let me end now-- I shall only destroy you later! Don’t you believe me?”
H: “Yeah, I believe you.”
Gal: “Then, why do you _do_ this?!”
H: “Because I have to. Why would you-- destroy me?”
Gal: “I have to.”
Heph: “She’s not real. This is all my fault.”
I [?]: “Hercules!”
Ja: “Let me pull you back!”
H: “Get off!”
I: “No, we’re not leaving you here, Herc!”
H: “If you get off, we’ll have a chance to swing to safety! If you don’t, we’re all goin’ down!”
Ja: “OK. Come on.”
Heph: “Galatea-- I can’t leave her! Galatea!”
I: “Heph, she’s not real!”
H: “On the count of three-- we’re just gonna swing. Let go with your hands. One-- two. This is gonna hurt. Three!” [Yells]
Heph: “Nooo! Galatea! Galatea!”
H: “Is she OK?”
Ja: “The bridge couldn’t hold her.”
H: “Hephaestus.”
H: “How you doin’, Hephaestus?”
Heph: “I never should have made you. I wanted to believe that you were real. I know she’s not real, Hercules. Why does it still hurt that she’s gone?”
H: “I don’t know. I wish that I did.”
