Forgery Transcript (Novelization)

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Teaser

Kora: "Enjoy your meal. Have a nice day."

Horseman: "Thanks, Kora."

Iolaus: "Whoa, whoaaaa. Easy there, Tapert. Yeah."

Kora: "Heyyyy-- can I take your order?"

Iolaus: "Well, how about you take the day off, instead? I was thinkin' I might go to Corinth. You know, just pop on over to Corinth-- have some fun. Why don't you, uh-- come along?"

Jason's Voice: "Ow!"

Jason: "Hi."

Kora: [Chuckles] "I bet all three of you wanna be the horse's rear end."

Iolaus: "Ah."

Jason: "Come with us, Kora. It'll be fun."

Jason's Voice: "Even Hercules is gonna let his hair down."

Hercules: "I am not letting my hair down. I already told you. I'm gonna help Hephaestus."

Jason: "Hephaestus is a god. He can take care of himself."

Hercules: "He's my half-brother, and I promised him I'd lend him a hand, OK? As long as he gave it back. [Chuckles] ‘My hand?'"

Kora: "Well, it's too bad Hercules won't be going along to chaperone. If he was, I would've gone."

Iolaus: "Oh, you're kidding."

Jason: "Aw."

Iolaus: "Aw-- way to go, Herc. Couldn't you at least let her _think_ you were going?"

Hercules: "Ah-- she wouldn't have gone, all right?"

Iolaus: "Hey-- Jas, next time you're on fire-- wrap Hercules around ya. He's a big ol' wet blanket."

Jason: "Really-- not exactly the life of the party, my friend."

Hercules: "I am so."

Iolaus: "You're not."

Charioteer: "Move it, you punks! Doesn't that four-legged freak, Cheiron, teach you little boys manners?!"

Jason: "Maybe you'd like to come down here and teach us yourself."

Charioteer: "Nice people take turns. Who wants to go first?"

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa, hold on a second. Uh-- guys, let's just get out of here, all right? We're leaving-- OK? Come on."

Charioteer's Voice: "Hyah! Move it! Giddyap."

Kora: "Can I take your order?"

Iolaus: "That guy said we were boys-- so, let's play."

Jason: "Let's have some fun."

Hercules: "What are you guys _talkin'_ about?"

Iolaus: "I'm gonna take that guy's wheels right out from under him. Here-- take this. Tie this to a tree."

Iolaus: "Wait. Wait."

Iolaus: "Come on."

Jason: "Aah-- just do it."

Hercules: "This isn't funny."

Kora: "OK, enjoy your meal. Have a nice day."

Hercules: [Whispers] "Would you get back here? Just stop it."

Iolaus: "Herc-- you didn't tie the rope to anything."

Hercules: "No-- and I'm not gonna."

Iolaus: "Well-- he pulled a _sword_ on us!"

Jason: "What?"

Hercules: "He honked his horn at us, Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Well-- sword-- horn-- whatever."

Hercules: "No-- there's no ‘Whatever'."

Jason: "Did you hear what he said about Cheiron?"

Hercules: "Yeah, I know what he said, now, listen to me. No, listen to me."

Iolaus: "You know."

Hercules: "You stick up for yourself."

Iolaus: "You're getting really boring."

Hercules: "You pick the time. You pick your battles."

Jason: "All right."

Iolaus: "Whoa."

Hercules: "Iolaus."

Act One

Hercules: "Iolaus!"

Jason: "How far do you think he got before he remembered to let go of the rope?"

Hercules: "About that far."

Iolaus: "You know-- if you'd tied the rope to a tree like I told you, this wouldn't have happened."

Hercules: "If I had, it'd have ruined some guy's chariot, just ‘cause you didn't like the way he talked to you."

Iolaus: "It was a joke, Herc-- a trick? Ah, man, where's your sense of humor?"

Hercules: "Well-- you just can't go around doing everything you want, just ‘cause it's fun."

Iolaus: "It's an approach to life. You should try it, sometime."

Hercules: "Why don't you try being responsible?"

Jason: "Why don't you lighten up?! We're just tryin' to have a little fun-- while we're young."

Iolaus: "Hey, I'm not gonna change when I get old. I'll still be having fun when I'm 30."

Jason: "Well, if we don't get movin'-- we're gonna be 30 by the time we get to Corinth. Now-- you gonna come with us?"

Hercules: "I promised Hephaestus I'd help him, all right? So-- "

Jason: [Interrupting] "Aah, you're a wet blanket."

Iolaus: "Have fun."

Jason: "Let's go."

Hercules: "A wet blanket."

Hercules: "Hey, uh-- Hephaestus-- do you think I'm boring?"

Hephaestus: "Well-- we can't all be exciting. You and I are the same. We're like hammers-- heavy-- strong-- reliable."

Hercules: "Yeah-- and dull."

Hephaestus: "Well-- some people have a fire inside them. They take everything that life has to offer-- devour it, like a flame burns wood. Well, Zeus is like that."

Hercules: "Really?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Uh-- maybe-- maybe that's why he's never taken much interest in me, you know? ‘Cause we're so different."

Hephaestus: "Keep pumping."

Hercules: "Oh. I mean-- maybe he'd notice me if I were more like him-- you know? I mean, what if that's how he wants us to be."

Hephaestus: "Well, I tried to change, once. This fire, here, comes straight from the heart of the Earth. It can melt you inside-- make you new. Well, I asked it to come into my heart and make me a warrior-- like Hera wanted me to be."

Hercules: "You just asked it?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "How d'ya ask it?"

Hephaestus: "I just asked it."

Hercules: "Did it work?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah-- didn't like it much. Couldn't get any work done. There's always work to do. Poseidon wants me to make him another anchor. You'd think he had enough of those, already."

Hercules: "Yeah."

Hephaestus: "Reminds me-- I've got some-- pig iron around here, somewhere. If only I could remember where I put it. Here, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig! Here, pig! Here pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig! Here, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig! Here, pig! Here, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig, pig!"

Hercules: "I wanna change. I wanna be the son my father wants. I wanna devour life! Like Zeus! Like there's a fire inside me!"

Girl 1: "I've always wanted to work at the palace."

Jason: "Ohh-- well, I'll, uh-- see what I can do."

Iolaus: "Uh-- you know, I'm-- I'm gonna be a king someday."

Girl 2: "Oh, yeah? Where?"

Iolaus: "Well, I'm just-- waiting for the right kingdom to come along."

Girl 2: "Let me know when you find it."

Iolaus: "OK."

Hercules: "Whoooooooo! You're not havin' a good time! Is it hot in here, or is just me?! It's just me."

Iolaus: "Whoa-- Hercules?"

Hercules: "Someone as beautiful as you shouldn't have to work so hard."

Jason: "What has gotten inta [sic] him?"

Iolaus: "Herc-- what're you doing here?"

Jason: "Where's Hephaestus?"

Hercules: [Sighing] "Oh, well-- Hephaestus-- you know? Hmm-- he's a good kid and all, but-- well-- he's just boring. And besides-- I mean, why would I hang out with a god, when I can come here and hang out with goddesses? Hmm? Come here. Uh-- thanks for warmin' my chair. Now, uh-- try warming up Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Whoa."

Hercules: "He's a big hero at Cheiron's academy, you know."

Girl 2: "I thought you were lying about that."

Jason: "Are you all right, Hercules? ‘Cause you seem-- different."

Hercules: "Oh-- I am different. I'm ready to set the world on fire! Ha! Now-- hmm-- food for everyone!"

Voice: "Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Jason: "Uh-- I can't-- I can't make it! You win!"

Hercules: "No, no, no, no, no! Now, I said, all the way to Kora's. Now, come on, big Daddy! Rock on down!"

Iolaus: "If he makes it, I'll eat my hat!"

Jason's Voice: "I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! I'm doin' it!"

Kora: "Who's out there this late?"

Hercules: "You did it!"

Iolaus: "I am not gonna eat my hat!"

Hercules: "Oh, tell ya what-- I'll eat it for ya."

Jason: "Haw-haw."

Iolaus: "You wanna bet he can't?"

Jason: "Oh, not after what he did with that ox."

Hercules: [Belches] "Oh, yeah! You know, Kora? You really should've come to Corinth last night. You missed out on all the fun!"

Kora: "I'll try to go on living."

Hercules: "Hmm. Whoo! Come here. Come to Corinth with me-- right now."

Kora: "Let's not-- and say we did."

Hercules: "Whoo! [Meows] I like ‘em sassy!"

Iolaus: "Hercules-- relax, man."

Jason: "Yeah, you're gettin' a little carried away."

Hercules: "Ohh-- no, no, no, no, no, no-- I'm not-- she is."

Kora: "What's the matter with you?! It's like you're somebody else!"

Hercules: "Maybe I just decided to be someone else."

Kora: "Yeah? Well, try being somewhere else."

Hercules: "Huh? Your loss."

Iolaus: "Uh-- "

Jason: "Uh-- "

Iolaus: "We're sorry."

Jason: "Sorry."

Iolaus: "Sorry."

Hercules: "Well-- that's OK. There's plenty other girls in Corinth!"

Jason: "We just got back from Corinth."

Iolaus: "I've had enough fun."

Hercules: "Now, you can never have too much fun, Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "I'm goin' to bed."

Jason: "What's wrong with you?"

Hercules: "Oh-- wha? There's nothin' wrong with me. I-- I'm exactly who I wanna be!"

All: "Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Act Two

Lilith: "Uh! Help! Fire! Oh! Somebody, get some water! Quick! Wake up! Wake up!"

Hercules: "Lilith-- I don't know how it got started. I-- "

Lilith: "Huh? Where were you?!"

Hercules: "Uh-- oh, I was out, uh-- lookin' for a bucket of water. Listen, um-- you hungry?"

Lilith: "Huh?"

Iolaus: "Why does Cheiron think everybody should eat oats?"

Jason: "It's a Centaur thing."

Hercules: "Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yeah. You gonna eat that-- hmm? Hmm. Hmm."

Hercules: "Whoa! Oh-ho-ho. I am hot, today! Hot!"

Jason: "It's just a drill, Hercules."

Iolaus: "Yeah, we're supposed to be goin' half-speed."

Hercules: "Ohh-- half-speed is so boring! This whole academy's boring! And you're boring! And you're boring! And you're all-- boring! What is that?!"

Lilith: "Oooh-- what's wrong with Hercules? You know, his bunk caught on fire this morning?"

Iolaus: "I don't know. There's been something weird going on ever since he got back from helping Hephaestus."

Jason: "Let's see what it is."

Jason's Voice: "What's he afraid of, Hercules?"

Jason: "There's something wrong with you-- the horse can sense it."

Hercules: "I'll walk."

Iolaus: "You're not yourself anymore, Herc."

Hercules: "I'm the son of Zeus! That's who I am-- and I'm wastin' my time in this academy, so-- I'm gonna set the world on fire."

Jason: [Yells]

Iolaus: "Let's discuss this like responsible [Yells]-- it's like he's on fire!"

Jason: "We gotta stop him."

Lilith: [Yells]

Iolaus: "This is for your own good, Herc! Ahh!"

Jason: [Yells]

Lilith: "Why are you doing this?!"

Hercules: "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on. Huh?"

Iolaus: "This chain won't burn."

Hercules: "Isn't this fun?! Let's have some _real_ fun! Whoo!"

Lilith: "No, Hercules! Don't! He's your friend!"

Hercules: "Stay away from me! Get away!"

Iolaus: "Hey! Hey!"

Iolaus's Voice: "Hey!"

Jason: "He wanted to go back to Corinth, last night. If that's where he's headin', maybe we can catch him."

Lilith: "And do what? Have him turn us into toast? Look-- you said Hephaestus was the last one to see him. Well, maybe he'll know what's wrong with Hercules."

Jason: "Yeah, it's worth a try-- if we can reach him. Hephaestus!"

Lilith: "Hephaestus, we need you!"

Hephaestus: "Uh-- why does somebody always call when you're in the middle a' somethin'?"

Jason: "Something's happened to Hercules."

Hephaestus: "Well, he seemed OK, yesterday."

Jason: "Did something happen while you were with him? Somethin'-- that could'a changed him?"

Lilith: "I-it's like there's a fire inside him."

Hephaestus: "Oh, no."

Jason: "What?"

Hephaestus: "He wouldn't be that wreckless. Fire from the forge we were working-- well, the gods can use it to change their hearts. But Hercules is half mortal."

Lilith: "So, what would it do to him?"

Hephaestus: "Well, it would change him, too-- for a while. Then it would burn him to ashes."

Jason: "We gotta find him."

Hephaestus: "We need water-- a lot of it."

Jason: "The road to Corinth goes by a pond."

Hephaestus: "OK."

Jason: "Let's go. Iolaus! Come on!"

Hephaestus: "I need some help, Hercules. There's work to be done."

Hercules: "No work for me-- just play. Ha-ha. Huh-- how 'bout a game a' catch, huh?! Yah! I'm like Zeus, now! I got the _fire_ inside of me! Whoo! That's cool!"

Jason: "We gotta drag him in the water."

Hercules: "It won't work, Jason! Hoo!"

Iolaus: "The fire's burning you up, Herc!"

Lilith: "Come on, Hercules! Ya gotta fight it!"

Hercules: "Well, I don't wanna fight it! It feels way! Too cool!"

Jason: "Come here. Pretend you can't swim."

Iolaus: "What?" [Yells]

Lilith: "Oh!"

Hercules: "Iolaus!"

Lilith: "Jason, what are you doing?!"

Jason: "No, no, no, no! Hercules has to get him. Hercules, we gotta save him! Trust me. Ohhh! My ankle! Ahh! My ankle!"

Jason's Voice: "Hercules, he's drowning! You gotta save Iolaus!"

Lilith's Voice: "Come on! Save Iolaus!"

Jason's Voice: "Come on, Hercules!"

Hercules: [Screams] "Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "Help me-- Her-- Hercules!"

Hercules: "Iolaus. I gotcha. You all right?"

Iolaus: "Yeah. Yeah."

Hephaestus: "You knew Hercules would save him."

Jason: "Even fire couldn't change Hercules that much."

Hercules: "Why did you flip Iolaus in the water? He could ‘a drowned!"

Lilith: "Now, that sounds like the old Hercules."

Jason: "He was only pretending that he couldn't swim."

Iolaus: "Pretending, nothing! I can't swim!"

Jason: "Oh."

Hephaestus: "I'm happy you're safe, Brother. You can't be what you're not-- well, not even what _Zeus_ would want you to be. Well, I've, uh-- gotta go. I-- left something boiling on the forge."

Hercules: "Goodbye. I feel like I ate an ox."

Jason: "You did."

Hercules: "What?"

Jason: "I saw ya. You ate the whole ox."

Hercules: [Laughing] "All of it?"